Waiting is always the hardest part

In what is now my 18th unfinished blog post, I am wondering if this one will actually find its way to the WWW, I guess if you’re reading this I have!

As I approach my 40th birthday, I find my life in a state of flux. My youngest is 4 years away from adult hood, my wife has refreshed her employment skills and is now looking for work, and it seems that everyone is looking to transition to a new phase in their life.

As for me, I seem a little stuck. – not the stuck that most ‘nearly 40 something's’ feel as they approach the mid-life crisis years, – I think I did that a couple of years ago! – but the distinct feeling I took a wrong turn somewhere and ended up in a back alley.   I won’t bore you with the details of those things, because actually that’s not the reason for writing.. Instead I’ve been pondering the question of why it is that I find waiting so difficult…

Here’s how it works for me.

• I send an email, I expect a response in a reasonable period of time. Reasonable is a fluid period, but I suspect a response should be received within a couple of days.
• If I send a text message, I expect a response within the same day – After all, all sorts of things could have happened that might prevent the intended recipient to reply, such as not having their phone with them that day, or being in a place with no reception or has the phone switched off, but one would imagine that at some point during that day, the recipient would find time to reply.
• If I send an instant message to a person who is online, I expect a response rather quickly.. – I mean barring leaving IM on (which does happen a lot, actually) if I’m engaging in a conversation I expect a response no longer than a pee break.
• If I’m in a conversation with a person, face to face, I expect a response pretty much immediately. (again pee breaks accepted)

Perhaps your expectation isn’t too far away from this in respect of communications using various media. Such is my personality, that the longer the gap after the expected response period, the more paranoid I become that I’ve said something which was received poorly and my emotional hamster starts running wildly trying to work out what I could have said better, and whether my relationship with the recipient is damaged etc. It drives me nuts. Most often, something quite rational happened and they carry on oblivious to my angst, and the delay was nothing to do with me at all.

Now it’s not just in conversations that my emotional hamster gets all worked up.  If I’ve promoted an idea, asked someone for a decision on something, made an alteration to something then my anxiousness is the same. What will they think? Will they agree?  And if the result of their musing will mean a change for me, then my uncomfortability rises exponentially, because I really hate living in the end of a season space, where something is finishing and something else is starting..  Innovation always energises me, and having to finish something or having to wait to begin something is like just winding and winding an elastic band on a balsa wood plane propeller (actually much more like twisting a sachet of sauce in  Wetherspoon’s before it explodes).

And so it is with God too.. I generally don’t find God silent. Most of the time it seems easy to determine his will by reading, praying, thinking, strategizing and just making a decision to act and seeing how the spirit feels about that! – God loves a good decision maker and unless he has other ideas (which he seems to make known pretty quickly) He seems pretty intent on my life heading towards His destination by choosing whatever path seems right to me at the time. [ For instance, you want to live in a different place? Put your house on the market! If it sells and you find a place to move to you like, then it would seem good to you and the spirit, so move.  If you put your house on the market, and it doesn’t sell, then that seems a pretty good indication that this might not be the right time to be moving.. and therefore get on with your life.]

But there are other things that are not so easy to wait for.. life changing events, that make ‘getting on with your life’ quite difficult…  That period between putting your house on the market and waiting a period of time to see if it sells, for instance is a horrible place to be. [and how sweet the relief once the house sells or a decision made to come off the market] Or maybe it’s a change of job role, and you’re finishing off your old responsibilities and trying to get up to speed on new ones. Man that can be a difficult place. Pregnancy too, is a big one isn’t it.. the pensive state between not yet being with a new life, and yet, there it is, trapped in a woman’s belly!

But the biggest for me, is in breakthrough.  When God is seemly quite and weak. Where it seems that a decision is obvious but the timing isn’t right, or when it seems that you don’t know where to go or what to do. When you’re struggling through something and waiting for the end. When you’re struggling to get to somewhere and you’re helpless to bring about the change you need. When you simply don’t know what to choose between two seemingly attractive or catastrophic outcomes, and you’re just not sure which one to choose because it HAS to be A or B not both A and B. (like should we move to Australia say, and stay in England.. you can’t physically do both)  These are the most difficult places to be.. and perhaps where our emotional hamsters do the most roiling.  The what if’s come crashing like waves.. it’s difficult to plan, after all you don’t know what’s coming next, and there’s no comfort whatsoever in the  ‘take each day as it comes’ mantra that you whisper to your tortured soul.  It’s an intensely restless period, where peace and joy seems far from your lips and life, even the simple things (like managing freezer food) becomes a nightmare, life becomes painful, itchy and fragmented, relationships become tense or stupendously intimate as you both hold on and let go at the same time, and family tensions boil over into arguments, eggshell treading and lots of tears.

I hate these periods, and I’m thankful they don’t come often. Most of our life actually is quite controllable, and we can enjoy the benefits of planning and executing those plans, and dealing with any variations or course corrections as we go.  Minor alterations from a trajectory are easy to manage because you have momentum, and pretty much everyone is on the bus with you.

• So where you have seemingly difficult choices, but where they are in your power to make changes let me urge you.. just make a decision.  You’ll feel better once you have made a choice. It may be the right one, it may be the wrong one. – Maybe you just won’t know, but the paralysis of not making a choice, sitting on the fence forever or worse, trying to straddle both positions as they diverge will bring endless [avoidable] pain to your life.  Just decide and move on.  If God is seemingly quiet on the issue, perhaps he doesn’t actually mind which one you choose?  And won’t he bring ALL THINGS together for the good of those who love him? Romans 8 v 28
• Get on with your life. How often have you heard someone pray or prophesy using Jeremiah 29 v 11?  I wonder why they do that…  I think it’s a very unhelpful verse in the way it’s often applied, because it PREVENTS a person from making a decision, and REQUIRES someone else to tell them prophetically what to do. But the context in Jeremiah 29 isn’t wait on God till he tells you what to do AT ALL… in fact quite the opposite, take a look yourself… note the verses 4-9 a clear instruction to settle down, raise rugrats, eat and pray for your city to prosper.  then the kicker… v 10 WHEN you’ve been doing that for 70 years, THEN I’ll come to you and fulfill my promise BECAUSE [v11] I have plans to prosper you …  So God has a plan to prosper you, but work it out as you live your life.. don’t be paralysed waiting for God to speak, just decide what you want to do..  he’ll make it pretty clear if you’re stepping off plan.

And so with some certainty I feel I must pronounce that indecision is simply procrastination. It is a fear that we will choose wrong, which puts us in the same back alley that making a poor decision would put us in.. So you see, whether you make a bad decision, or no decision, this negative outcome is waiting for you…. The only way to attempt to avoid it is to actually make a decision… 

But if like me, you’ve made a couple of decisions and you’re now in the back alley you feared, there are still two choices!

1. live in the back alley, give up and wait for death, or
2. turn around and do something different. 

It is exceedingly rare that God will open up a secret compartment at the end of the alleyway, taking you into an as yet undiscovered life, of extraordinary wonder and fulfilment, instead we have to take responsibility for any poor decision we made that brought us here, stop blaming others (or God) for ‘leading us here’ and TURN AROUND and get out of the hole we’re in.   

The reason friends, that waiting is so unbearably difficult, is that we’re on a journey [aren’t we?] and waiting isn’t much part of getting to your destination. If we’re waiting we’re wasting time.  Waiting should be an active temporary thing (like going to a bus stop, waiting for the bus to arrive) not a passive thing (waiting at home hoping a bus would stop outside your house). Passive is procrastination again.  So if you’re not seeing breakthrough with something, chances are you haven’t made the decision (or followed through with the consequences of that decision (which is the same thing as not having made the decision at all)). 

So where does that leave me?  For the things I can decide, things that are within my power to change, things that ultimate affect my journey/trajectory or ultimately my destination, I can make [and follow through] a decision or two and end my discomfort. I may make the wrong decision, but a decision at least will have been made and I’ll have to rely on God (at the end of my three core years and ten) to bring about those plans and purposes he has for me to come good. For the things I’m waiting for others to decide, hopefully they’ll not drag out the difficulty for too long, noting that it is destabilising for them also to have these things hanging about undecided.   I’m not sure what a reasonable period of time is to wait for that… but I can’t imagine being in the dead zone for more than a month will produce a happy bunny, so I guess that’s the yardstick by which I’ll get very twitchy.. Finally, I can be hopeful that whatever I decided and whatever is decided for me, there is a future hope that all things will work together for good, so I needn’t worry about how many wrong decisions I make, or how blunderous my steps, I just need to worry about how I am leading myself and my family, in Christ.  And if waiting isn’t a passive thing, then I’ll wait for my end of days, by living my life for the glory of his name while there is breath in my body. In the end, isn’t that what we’re all called to do?

I am thankful

Lord God, thank you for changing me so much and giving me an abundance of blessing. I am blessed to be counted in your house, part of those who will be with you forever in paradise, saved from the consequences of my own actions, redeemed by the blood of Christ which stained the cross in place of my sins, loved by the Father like the Son and led by the Spirit.  If that is the sum total of all that has been done for me, it would be enough already to be eternally thankful.

But your love continues to penetrate my stubborn heart…

…It softens me when I am cold to change, and proud or belligerent

Your spirit shows me where I have yet to repent, and receive forgiveness – not so that I can be ‘more saved’ but so that I can be more ‘free’.  I’m so sorry that I take inordinate time arguing over every small thing you ask of me, and that my own embarrassment or shame at my actions slows down my readiness to repent when it should be the opposite.  How patient you are with me!  and what a model of patience I have to follow to love others. Thank you.

I thank you that despite myself, I find myself still married, still privileged to father wonderful children, still employable, still trustworthy, still within your eternal purpose, still able to be useful to you, still loved, still cherished, still sung over, still delighted in, still chosen, still wanted.   Thank you. Thank you.

I am never alone, even when I feel so. That I choose not to remember you are with me always, doesn’t change that you are. That I ignore your quiet whisper or that I forget to meditate on your words when I’m afraid, hesitant or sinful doesn’t make any of your words less true or less powerful. How you must despair of me!  You have destroyed nations for less disobedience, yet you spare me time after time. How merciful you are!  Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Is there anywhere I can go to escape you?  Is there some way that I could hide in obscurity where you couldn’t find me? Is there someway I can turn my back on what you have done for me and gain the penalty I truly deserve? Is there any future for me that is not inextricably conjoined with you? Is there some sin I can commit that will have you disown me?  Is there some hurt I can rend on your church that there would be no place for me among it? Is there some harm I can do to myself that would invalidate my sonship?   I have not found any.   Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Though I rebel and frustrate and fight and lose my way, you are faithful, and patient, merciful, enduring, steadfast, gracious, compassionate, slow to anger and rich in love.  I am truly thankful to know you, and love you however imperfectly.   Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you God.

 

 

Psalm 103:8-10  

⁸ The Lord is merciful and gracious, slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love.
⁹ He will not always chide, nor will he keep his anger forever.
¹⁰ He does not deal with us according to our sins, nor repay us according to our iniquities.

English Standard Version (ESV)

Bending not breaking

Human beings are amazing creations capable of enormous acts of compassion, love and service. Our ability to chose to prefer others needs before our own seems to set us apart from other creations who appear to be driven mainly by more viceral objectives.

Yet, in acknowledging our freedom to chose how and who we are going to be one also has to accept that we (and others) may chose to be less than concerned with the plight of our fellow man and more focussed on our own wants or vulnerabilities. 

If I truly believe that my mind can be renewed so that I can understand what God's will is, and if I am convinced that along with being inseparable from the love of God there is also nothing to fear from man, why then would I allow any feeling to disable me from remaining vulnerable to others?

The question then seems not to be about whether or not other people will hurt me or indeed whether they have chosen to set aside selfish or destructive desires, but more where I chose to place the foundation of my security. If it is placed in relationships with other people, they will, eventually fail to remain pain free. If I put my security in my construct of who God is, that too will ultimately dissapoint since I am just as prone as any to shape God in my own image and have to regularly remind myself that His ways and thoughts are higher..  in the end then, the only place in which personal security can be found is in the God of the bible, the Jesus who saw the same sun from the perspective of an earth dweller and the Spirit who lives in me, works through me and goes before me.

Understanding this, and acting as if this were true are unfortunately two different things. I may understand that the fruit of the spirit that lives in me is a character of love, peace, joy, patience, kindness, gentleness and self-control, but my sometimes not so dead sinful self remains and intends to impose self, vengeance, misery, impatience, unkindness, harm and impulsive lashouts on anyone who offends me.   It does not escape me that my will can be easily bent in one direction or another, and I am thankful that so far I have not experienced a regression back to my sinful selfs obsessions sufficient to make it impossible to bend back towards responding to the conditioning of the spirit, and I'm thankful that the ability to chose to overrule a feeling with a decision to chose Christ and His ways is possible however much my vulnerable heart may wish to promote other outcomes. 

Is this ability to trump emotions with decisions unique to humans?   Is the ability to chose Christ when our inclination is to protect ourselves a demonstration of God's irresistible grace or recognition that it is only in the trinity of God that ultimate security can be found? I'm not sure I know the answer to that, but I know that bending is better than breaking. Breaking is what happens when I chose to not respond to the tenderness of the spirit, and brokeness is always repairable if I can get past myself to see how Christ sees and feels. 

The challenge then is not to ignore what I feel but to continually submit to the restored 'spirit within' design for human beings that the creator God fashioned in us, relating first with the security that God brings, before attempting to relate to the rest of the world he spoke into being.

Lord help me to get into my stubborn will the temperate nature of your Spirit's fruit. Make security in me not something that is based on any earthly person, yet help me extend grace, mercy, tenderness and love to those I encounter. Let me glimpse as much of my future home as I can stand and still be content to live here and may I be useful to you bearing whatever cost for the sake of your kingdom.     Your grace is enough, your mercy is new every morning. My grace and mercy needs to be the same towards others, help me with that.